This is not an easy post to make, but I think there are things I need to get out there. I’m putting it here specifically (as opposed to my MySpace Blog) because there are certain people I don’t want this getting back to, and there are certain people whom I hope DO read this.
I have been a member of my Theater company for 3 years now. In general, they do about one Musical a year. The thing is, I freakin’ LOVE doing musicals. I love the edgy stuff that we do, I love doing Shakespeare, I love splattering blood on the audience (and the ceiling). But, my greatest love is singing. It’s one of those things I think I was born to do, ya know?
So, my first year there, they do “Hedwig”. Great show. Nothing for me to do. Then there was “Thrill me”. Yet another show where am far too masculine. Last year they did “Three Penny Opera” which would have been fine, expect for the fact that I was in Virginia for 4 of the performances.
I’ve been auditioning at other theaters, hoping to squeeze in a musical. Rejections all around. Not to sound pompous, but what the fuck are they thinking? Missing out on ME? My fragile ego can only take so much rejection (and it’s been the year for it, I can tell you).
So, it turns out that my best friend at the theater is going to direct the Musical this year. Shit Yeah! They don’t pick a show until late in the game (Some other theater keeps stealing the rights out from under us…). I’m hoping for “Reefer Madness”. No such luck. “Bat Boy”! Somebody else got it. So what do they finally decide on about 2 months ago?
The Full Monty.
Yes, that’s right. A Musical about Male Strippers. My immediate response? “Have fun.”
But, the director starts calling me.
“Listen to the soundtrack.” “Read the script.”
So, I do.
There is a part that I was born to play. Beautiful songs. Funny dialogue. Emotional Story.
The problem?
He’s the Fat Guy.
Let’s be honest folks. I’m fat.
I’m fucking HUGE.
I’m 6’4” and around 325lbs.
I really think that most of the parts I have been turned down for, were in spite of how good my voice was. I just didn’t physically fit the particular character. I’ve been in something like 15 or 20 shows in the last 3 years. At no point in those 3 years was I much thinner than I am now. Probably 280 at best.
But, I’ve never played a Fat Guy.
I know that sound stupid, but it’s true. The last show I was in was ‘Much Ado About Nothing’. I played Leonato as the Mob Boss of Las Vegas in the Early 60’s. I was HUGE. I was powerful. I was towering. The OC Register said I was a
“Hulk of an actor”.But at no time did I feel Fat.
In “The Full Monty”, not only is the guy Fat, it’s the defining characteristic of the guy. He’s “The Fat Guy”. His whole point in the story is that he doesn’t want to strip because he’s Fat.
So, if I took the role, not only would I have to deal with being the Fat Guy and having everybody calling we Fat in the show, I’D HAVE TO BE NAKED.
Naked, is one thing. Fat Guy, is another thing. NAKED FAT GUY is not something I think I could do.
For a solid 2 months I agonized over this. Could I do it? Could I actually go through with it? I changed my mind about it every hour. I am! I’m not. I can! No, fucking way.
The first day of the auditions, I was so wound up that I made myself sick to my stomach. I still didn’t know if I was going. Then my Best Friend called with tickets to the Angels game that night. It was a sign from God! I went to the game.
After the game I hear about the lousy turn out for the auditions. They need me. I will be letting down my friends if I don’t do this.
So, night #2, I go. I sing “Misty”, and read a monologue. In my underwear.
I get called back. I spend the next two days telling myself that not can I do this, I NEED to do this. It’s a lead in a musical. It’s proving myself as an actor. It’s facing my fears. I go to callbacks and give it my all. I sing, I read, I give it 100%.
That night I get a call from the ASM.
“You’re off the hook.”Huh?
“We’re getting somebody else to do it. We’ve asked him to put on some weight. We knew you really didn’t want to do it.”
I spend the next 2 days in a funk. I don’t even visit my mother on Mother’s Day. I am depressed about not getting apart that I didn’t want in the first place.
I’m still upset, and I don’t even know how to explain it to people. So, I haven’t told anybody.
But, I read something today that made me think that I needed to share this.
You’re not alone out there…
JHO
